My anxiety is super duper bad tonight and everything feels out of place or overwhelming. Everywhere, ever single place i look, i see babies, children, expecting parents. Maybe not, maybe im exaggerating but it seems absolutely no one is talking about not being able to make a family?

Some people i speak to tell me the are without the driving, pushing, forceful urge that is to have children. You don’t know how blessed you are. This cuts at me every single day.

Getting out of bed is hard at the moment, quietly having a cry as i write this is hard as matts worked 70something hours this week and is due to get up in 5 hours. I saw a dr last week and finally decided to say ‘we havent been able to conceive a child in a year’ that was hard. Holding back tears to a young doctor whose your age is embarrasing. Getting out of the house, dressed and showered and getting bloods taken to finally see why we havent made a baby, thats hard too.

Writing about this makes me feel uneasy. I haven’t even found the will or time and place to even speak to my mum about this. I feel very very alone and this is literally the only place i put my feelings.

We have a real house now with a real backyard and an actual, working kitchen. Its so blatantly obvious to us thats its just missing kids. It seems to tug at me everyday.

baelgrave:

kedreeva:

baelgrave:

tetraghost:

i wish birds brought ME presents

No, but think about this.

The crows she feeds obviously have their own little lives. They go about their business, and they spot *pretty thing* or /unique thing/ in question. What gets me is that the *first* thing on their minds as recipient of this thing is the little girl that feeds them.

They spot a thing, and immediately must think, “that nice girl with delicious foodstuffs must have this to show my gratitude.”

It’s actually more than that, though, if you read the articles or watch the videos. This has taken place over YEARS- it started with these birds following this little girl around because she was a messy eater and it has turned into a ritual for the family. They have a water station and food stations where they daily set out things for these birds and sometimes (but not always), these birds leave ‘payment’ behind for the food.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE

These birds are not just taking food and leaving shinies. These birds are watching over this family now. Their lives have become involved. These crows are keeping track of this girl and her mother even when they are out of the yard. How do we know?

One of them is a photographer, and one day while she was photographing some stuff on a bridge, she dropped her camera’s lenscap over the edge. There was no way she could get it back, so she left it. When she got home, the lenscap was sitting on the edge of one of the feeding stations, waiting for her.

Not only were the birds following and watching over her, they were smart enough to realize she dropped an Important Thing and cared enough to bring it back to her.

I could not have asked for more

Ohhh wow

I just went and outside and stared at the full moon for a minute or so. Breathtaking. Clouds passing it by like a beam of light. I feel lucky to live in a place with such a bright sky. Thats there for me to gaze at every single night

butt-berry:

butt-berry:

butt-berry:

butt-berry:

butt-berry:

It’s Bulbasaur blooming season

Lots of variety this year!

A late bloomer!

Water-lily Bulbasaur catching up on the latest gossip at the lake

Wow, looks like thing are getting serious between hibiscus and fuchsia!

Oh my god 😍

Ive kind of found myself thinking i would like to be a midwife or work in obstetrics somewhere in the past couple years.

But i mean i dropped out of high school in yr 11, so if have to do a bridging course to finish my vce and then and then and then?

Idk

Every month its getting harder. Like a tightening in the back of my throat that chokes me every single time the week wait of ‘ooh maybe im pregnant this month… no, no way. Oh but maybe..’ but i never am.

I am unhealthy, my livers in overdrive trying to deal with everything my body tells it i should be allergic to. I cant stay in the sun without becoming ill. I always, always have a rash across my chest and shoulders/arms. Im always uncomfortable.

Im overweight and i obviously shouldn’t be when trying to conceive. But it’s not easy, and i sigh when I look women heavier than me falling pregnant.

And then I’m in the work toilets for a 30 second rush to pee on a busy as fuck sunday and i see my period and its not just 'ah, fuck im bleeding’. Its 'ah, fuck it. Another month gone.’ And i cant shake the feeling that I’ve lost something when i scram to get back to the busy kitchen a minute later.

We get it, its a fucking miracle to create life. Though it’s a bit heartbreaking living in such a fast paced society where information is thrown at you from every angle. You see everyone you never thought to see, having a baby. Every couple you thought’d never last, pregnant. Sisters and brothers in laws, updating you on their babies walking abilities. You’re parents subliminally pressuring you to start a family. It does not stop.

I envy those men and women that 'just dont want kids’ and have zero desire to. Maybe they will have happier lives. Maybe they will have children and regret it. Maybe not. Fate is uncomfortable to sit with.

Matt called me today to tell me ‘if were infertile or whatever, we should foster lots of kids.. and dogs. Lots of dogs’

Im so lucky

I am having more and more frequent days were i cant get out of bed